What if...
I can't succeed?
I don't do a good job of taking care of people?
I actually get stressed out about something?
I don't go through life with a smile?
I can't make you laugh?
I end up working just to make money?
My family can't be proud of me?
I can't make people love me?
I end up all alone?
I stopped entertaining?
All that being said...I think sometimes I'm just scared that at the end of the day when I'm just Kristi without the witty sarcastic remarks, confidence, leadership, and people skills...what if I'm simply not all that I'm cracked up to be? What if when I'm just me ...that isn't enough. Even as I write this I hate it because I know that you want to be entertained and you don't want to know if I'm worried about something or not as secure as I'd like to be. You read something by Kristi Darks and thought that you would be made happier and I was a let down. All these things run through my mind with almost everything that I do, always making sure that I'm not too serious around most people so that they don't get disappointed. I know what people expect from me so I try to live up to their expectations. The most important what if in my life right now is what if I make the wrong choice and I disappoint God?! I'm supposed to do so many great things for Him in my life...what if I make the wrong choice everytime?!!? And if you know me at all, you know that I have a fantastic ability to make the wrong decision at every turn. Ha, oh man...I am overwhelmed.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Monday, April 27, 2009
The past five years...
Things we already know about me:
1. I cannot effectively survive a transition.
2. I will not say goodbye.
3. I don't want to hear you say bye either.
Now, all that having been sad. Here's how I'm doing with this whole actually graduating and leaving the BCM thing...and here's a peek at the past five years. The people, places, heartaches and victories. So, I'm a Tennessean. If you've met me then your aware of this. I came to Western with my best friend and we realized that people from Kentucky were different from us. They kept telling us what county they were from when we wanted their city and they talked about being in traffic when we were simply sitting three cars deep at a red light. Simply put, they were weird. And then I was fairly new to this whole Christianity thing but I knew that I was supposed to grow in this area and I was supposed to be in ministry at some point in my life. That being said, I headed to the BCM. Well if people from KY were weird, Christians from KY were like aliens from a different planet. Nobody laughed at my jokes and everyone just thought I was inappropriate and mean...which where I'm from is a fantastic quality to have. All in all freshman year was kinda terrible. I clung to high school with all of my soul. I had the same crushes and best friends and guy friends. My heart was still in middle Tennessee even if my body was here. Don't get me wrong I played with people up here, some girls who lived on my floor and Paige, my dgroup was pretty happy but that was pretty much it.
Sophomore year is when I grew closer to a lot of people up here simply because I had to. My parents separated for a while that year and without people in my life like Nat and Sabrina I woulda had a much harder time getting through that. I also got to grow a lot closer to Christ in that time. And I can't forget Laura showing up at my door with a pizza she needed help eating...who wouldn't love that person? The BCM wasn't nearly as terrifying this year. I was a lot more comfortable with the weird Christian kids and I learned how to tame my jokes to their liking. I went on spring break that year where I got to know a lot of BCMers better....oh yeah, I also met a kid named Ryan that year.
Junior and Senior year kinda run together a bit mainly because they were pretty similiar. I was a full fledged BCM kid at this point fellowships with Ryan and what not. These were the years that I grew a lot closer to Natalie. She was such an anchor for me at a lot of times. Her steady head was nice for my insanity. I also became friends with Jill my senior year. She was not me, still isn't in the slightest but thats why we work, I like her. The gables 3_3...well, if you have ever read my blog you should know how I feel about that place. Infamous for Kristi Thursday's, over-dramatic-emotional girl talks, bull dozing, fits of laughter, and too intense for your own good cranium matches.
And then there's this year....
First semester was so hard. Was I supposed to be over everything or was I supposed to be obsessed with everything. I was supposed to hang out with...gulp...international students??!?
Second semester was way better. I decided that I would be a over things when God made me and until then I would be obsessed with all things. This time last year I would in no way be ready to leave this place or these people. I think that's why I was given a whole blessed year to transition! : ) I still have no clue where on earth I'm going to be. And I will miss everyone more than they will miss me. Haha, no offense but no matter who you are you aren't nearly as attached to me as I am to you.
All this time and I still talk about high school like it was the best time ever. Therefore I know my stories about college will remain dear and epic to me for the rest of my life. I'm a story teller so if you met me 5 years ago or last march have no worries...you will live on in atleast one of my stories forever.
So, if God lets you have another year or another three years as a college student, here are some things you shouldn't take for granted.
there are bells to tell you what time it is. there are always restaurants within walking distance and nobody thinks its strange to eat random meals at 3 am and are almost always more than willing to eat them with you. there is always someone to flirt with or atleast have a harmless crush on. society puts you down a bit but no one really expects anything from you because of that. there is always someone willing to do something fun. its natural to wear whatever you rolled out of bed in. people aren't too busy for you, because most of them are single without kids...apparently this isnt so much the case outside of college. the smell that comes out of garrett when you walk past it at lunch time. marble staircases at cherry hall. to skip or not to skip? in spring when all the trees on campus bloom simultaneously. in the fall when all the leaves fall simultaneously. the stupid bunny with a dress. knowing that the B will always have a human to chat with inside. naps in the fireside room, prayer room etc. studying/doing homework with friends...bc we all know its just glorified play time.
That being said. I'm never leaving bowling green, or this campus. so....dont waste your breathe even suggesting that I might. I love you all. thank you for your time and attention. :)
1. I cannot effectively survive a transition.
2. I will not say goodbye.
3. I don't want to hear you say bye either.
Now, all that having been sad. Here's how I'm doing with this whole actually graduating and leaving the BCM thing...and here's a peek at the past five years. The people, places, heartaches and victories. So, I'm a Tennessean. If you've met me then your aware of this. I came to Western with my best friend and we realized that people from Kentucky were different from us. They kept telling us what county they were from when we wanted their city and they talked about being in traffic when we were simply sitting three cars deep at a red light. Simply put, they were weird. And then I was fairly new to this whole Christianity thing but I knew that I was supposed to grow in this area and I was supposed to be in ministry at some point in my life. That being said, I headed to the BCM. Well if people from KY were weird, Christians from KY were like aliens from a different planet. Nobody laughed at my jokes and everyone just thought I was inappropriate and mean...which where I'm from is a fantastic quality to have. All in all freshman year was kinda terrible. I clung to high school with all of my soul. I had the same crushes and best friends and guy friends. My heart was still in middle Tennessee even if my body was here. Don't get me wrong I played with people up here, some girls who lived on my floor and Paige, my dgroup was pretty happy but that was pretty much it.
Sophomore year is when I grew closer to a lot of people up here simply because I had to. My parents separated for a while that year and without people in my life like Nat and Sabrina I woulda had a much harder time getting through that. I also got to grow a lot closer to Christ in that time. And I can't forget Laura showing up at my door with a pizza she needed help eating...who wouldn't love that person? The BCM wasn't nearly as terrifying this year. I was a lot more comfortable with the weird Christian kids and I learned how to tame my jokes to their liking. I went on spring break that year where I got to know a lot of BCMers better....oh yeah, I also met a kid named Ryan that year.
Junior and Senior year kinda run together a bit mainly because they were pretty similiar. I was a full fledged BCM kid at this point fellowships with Ryan and what not. These were the years that I grew a lot closer to Natalie. She was such an anchor for me at a lot of times. Her steady head was nice for my insanity. I also became friends with Jill my senior year. She was not me, still isn't in the slightest but thats why we work, I like her. The gables 3_3...well, if you have ever read my blog you should know how I feel about that place. Infamous for Kristi Thursday's, over-dramatic-emotional girl talks, bull dozing, fits of laughter, and too intense for your own good cranium matches.
And then there's this year....
First semester was so hard. Was I supposed to be over everything or was I supposed to be obsessed with everything. I was supposed to hang out with...gulp...international students??!?
Second semester was way better. I decided that I would be a over things when God made me and until then I would be obsessed with all things. This time last year I would in no way be ready to leave this place or these people. I think that's why I was given a whole blessed year to transition! : ) I still have no clue where on earth I'm going to be. And I will miss everyone more than they will miss me. Haha, no offense but no matter who you are you aren't nearly as attached to me as I am to you.
All this time and I still talk about high school like it was the best time ever. Therefore I know my stories about college will remain dear and epic to me for the rest of my life. I'm a story teller so if you met me 5 years ago or last march have no worries...you will live on in atleast one of my stories forever.
So, if God lets you have another year or another three years as a college student, here are some things you shouldn't take for granted.
there are bells to tell you what time it is. there are always restaurants within walking distance and nobody thinks its strange to eat random meals at 3 am and are almost always more than willing to eat them with you. there is always someone to flirt with or atleast have a harmless crush on. society puts you down a bit but no one really expects anything from you because of that. there is always someone willing to do something fun. its natural to wear whatever you rolled out of bed in. people aren't too busy for you, because most of them are single without kids...apparently this isnt so much the case outside of college. the smell that comes out of garrett when you walk past it at lunch time. marble staircases at cherry hall. to skip or not to skip? in spring when all the trees on campus bloom simultaneously. in the fall when all the leaves fall simultaneously. the stupid bunny with a dress. knowing that the B will always have a human to chat with inside. naps in the fireside room, prayer room etc. studying/doing homework with friends...bc we all know its just glorified play time.
That being said. I'm never leaving bowling green, or this campus. so....dont waste your breathe even suggesting that I might. I love you all. thank you for your time and attention. :)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
