Identity Crisis?

So, I am spending some time at home this summer and therefore today I was cleaning out my closet. Something that I have been convicted by is that I have not given anything away in five years. Holy cow....most of my friends have even had to switch rooms so a lot of their stuff was thrown away a long time ago. Well, as the youngest child I have been allowed to keep my room exactly the same for years. It's been so long since I've actually lived here for an extended period of time, I haven't cared what anything looked like. I actually loved coming home and walking into a time warp. However as memories became more and more now I was not only trying to hold on to high school but all of college as well. Mind you...this is ALOT to try to hold onto tightly and never let go.

Surprisingly today (after mowing our lawn backwards because I threw the mower into reverse on accident and couldn't figure out how to fix it...but thats another story) I actually started to throw things away. Holy stinkin moly. I threw things away! Im pretty amazed! It was pretty comical and there are a couple of things that Im still working on parting with but I just wanted to let anyone who reads this in on some of the silly things I was holding on to for dear life.

1) Pretty much my entire senior year of high school. Notebooks, doodles, letters, softball signs, ppl made me, movie ticket stubs, momentos from places I went with people I loved. Basically...a big chunk of my identity. I was LOVED in highschool. I LOVED being reminded of that by things that I kept. I wanted any one to be able to walk into my room at any time and no that I was a pretty cool kid once upon a time.

2) On my 19th birthday the greenes each gave me a different thing of flowers. Therefore I kept a box full of dead flowers. Craziness.

3) My last at bat on my homefield at lavergne high school I hit a foul tip. Well, that foul tip flew up and hit part of the fence and that part fell off. I asked my dad to grab that part of the fence and keep it for me and he did...I also kept the ball, or maybe i got the game ball...i dont know. Anywho...i still have all of this. Along with bat bags, old uniforms, practice jerseys from middle school, like 10 varsity letters. All of this to make sure that I never lose Kristi the athelete. God forbid. haha, my goodness I wasnt even that great of an athelete, oh well.

4) One day Paige and I played under her willow tree like fairies or something. Im sure I was 16 or 17 and we made this ring of flowers to wear as a crown. I still have the blessed crown. Once again, so I know that I'll always be Kristi who believes in being a Princess.

5) Presents/letters/flowers from boys. Good gracious, I don't even wanna think about it. I suppose this speaks to the idea that boys love me? That I had power over random ones at random times in order to make them go out of their way and buy little ole me a gift. I crave this power. I don't understand myself.

6)Pictures with random girls I don't even talk to anymore. This speaks to my power disease again. More like a "see how popular I was once apon a time" Overwhelming.

Oh man, it's really no wonder that I'm pretty much stuck in this area of my life. Im still holding on to memories and things from 5 years ago. I can't possibly move forward in life while still holding on to all this crap. Without all of this I am still just a person saved by grace and through THAT is where my identity is. Holy wow...I am nothing without that, I don't know who I've been kidding...certainly not any of you right? haha...kidding. again. ugh. oh well. haha.

Summer!

I love summer! Every summer I watch two movies to begin the summer. Its pretty important. Ahem: Man in the Moon(not to be confused with that weird movie with the weird man) and Now and Then. I am watching the aforementioned one as we speak! Boy is it happy. I mean if you were to ask most people they would say that it wasn't happy. It's kinda heart breaking i guess. BUT its about summer flings and boy do I love a good summer fling. Im pretty sure it isn't biblical but I am almost sure that I would be fine never getting married if I could have a happy summer love every summer for the rest of my life!!! EEEEE. I love it so much. I am so lame. Whatever, it happens. WATERMELON?! They're eating watermelon, sigh what says summer more?! I wish i lived in the middle of no where and made home made ice cream on summer nights. ack. beedle doo beedle dah. i like you all, goodbye forever.

What if I'm not all that I'm cracked up to be?

What if...

I can't succeed?
I don't do a good job of taking care of people?
I actually get stressed out about something?
I don't go through life with a smile?
I can't make you laugh?
I end up working just to make money?
My family can't be proud of me?
I can't make people love me?
I end up all alone?
I stopped entertaining?


All that being said...I think sometimes I'm just scared that at the end of the day when I'm just Kristi without the witty sarcastic remarks, confidence, leadership, and people skills...what if I'm simply not all that I'm cracked up to be? What if when I'm just me ...that isn't enough. Even as I write this I hate it because I know that you want to be entertained and you don't want to know if I'm worried about something or not as secure as I'd like to be. You read something by Kristi Darks and thought that you would be made happier and I was a let down. All these things run through my mind with almost everything that I do, always making sure that I'm not too serious around most people so that they don't get disappointed. I know what people expect from me so I try to live up to their expectations. The most important what if in my life right now is what if I make the wrong choice and I disappoint God?! I'm supposed to do so many great things for Him in my life...what if I make the wrong choice everytime?!!? And if you know me at all, you know that I have a fantastic ability to make the wrong decision at every turn. Ha, oh man...I am overwhelmed.

The past five years...

Things we already know about me:

1. I cannot effectively survive a transition.

2. I will not say goodbye.

3. I don't want to hear you say bye either.

Now, all that having been sad. Here's how I'm doing with this whole actually graduating and leaving the BCM thing...and here's a peek at the past five years. The people, places, heartaches and victories. So, I'm a Tennessean. If you've met me then your aware of this. I came to Western with my best friend and we realized that people from Kentucky were different from us. They kept telling us what county they were from when we wanted their city and they talked about being in traffic when we were simply sitting three cars deep at a red light. Simply put, they were weird. And then I was fairly new to this whole Christianity thing but I knew that I was supposed to grow in this area and I was supposed to be in ministry at some point in my life. That being said, I headed to the BCM. Well if people from KY were weird, Christians from KY were like aliens from a different planet. Nobody laughed at my jokes and everyone just thought I was inappropriate and mean...which where I'm from is a fantastic quality to have. All in all freshman year was kinda terrible. I clung to high school with all of my soul. I had the same crushes and best friends and guy friends. My heart was still in middle Tennessee even if my body was here. Don't get me wrong I played with people up here, some girls who lived on my floor and Paige, my dgroup was pretty happy but that was pretty much it.

Sophomore year is when I grew closer to a lot of people up here simply because I had to. My parents separated for a while that year and without people in my life like Nat and Sabrina I woulda had a much harder time getting through that. I also got to grow a lot closer to Christ in that time. And I can't forget Laura showing up at my door with a pizza she needed help eating...who wouldn't love that person? The BCM wasn't nearly as terrifying this year. I was a lot more comfortable with the weird Christian kids and I learned how to tame my jokes to their liking. I went on spring break that year where I got to know a lot of BCMers better....oh yeah, I also met a kid named Ryan that year.

Junior and Senior year kinda run together a bit mainly because they were pretty similiar. I was a full fledged BCM kid at this point fellowships with Ryan and what not. These were the years that I grew a lot closer to Natalie. She was such an anchor for me at a lot of times. Her steady head was nice for my insanity. I also became friends with Jill my senior year. She was not me, still isn't in the slightest but thats why we work, I like her. The gables 3_3...well, if you have ever read my blog you should know how I feel about that place. Infamous for Kristi Thursday's, over-dramatic-emotional girl talks, bull dozing, fits of laughter, and too intense for your own good cranium matches.

And then there's this year....

First semester was so hard. Was I supposed to be over everything or was I supposed to be obsessed with everything. I was supposed to hang out with...gulp...international students??!?

Second semester was way better. I decided that I would be a over things when God made me and until then I would be obsessed with all things. This time last year I would in no way be ready to leave this place or these people. I think that's why I was given a whole blessed year to transition! : ) I still have no clue where on earth I'm going to be. And I will miss everyone more than they will miss me. Haha, no offense but no matter who you are you aren't nearly as attached to me as I am to you.

All this time and I still talk about high school like it was the best time ever. Therefore I know my stories about college will remain dear and epic to me for the rest of my life. I'm a story teller so if you met me 5 years ago or last march have no worries...you will live on in atleast one of my stories forever.

So, if God lets you have another year or another three years as a college student, here are some things you shouldn't take for granted.

there are bells to tell you what time it is. there are always restaurants within walking distance and nobody thinks its strange to eat random meals at 3 am and are almost always more than willing to eat them with you. there is always someone to flirt with or atleast have a harmless crush on. society puts you down a bit but no one really expects anything from you because of that. there is always someone willing to do something fun. its natural to wear whatever you rolled out of bed in. people aren't too busy for you, because most of them are single without kids...apparently this isnt so much the case outside of college. the smell that comes out of garrett when you walk past it at lunch time. marble staircases at cherry hall. to skip or not to skip? in spring when all the trees on campus bloom simultaneously. in the fall when all the leaves fall simultaneously. the stupid bunny with a dress. knowing that the B will always have a human to chat with inside. naps in the fireside room, prayer room etc. studying/doing homework with friends...bc we all know its just glorified play time.

That being said. I'm never leaving bowling green, or this campus. so....dont waste your breathe even suggesting that I might. I love you all. thank you for your time and attention. :)

Sprinnnnggg Breakkk!

Ahhhh....who doesn't love spring break?? I can't think of a blessed soul. Mine was suppppper wonderful at Mission Arlington as it always is! SO many stories and SO many tiny people to love. It was so incredibly happy!! eep!!

i love my dad.

Is it weird that I love my dad so much that I cry? haha, my dad says some of the most awkward/embarrassing things and sometimes he can be so weird but I love him with my entire soul. When I was little and we would watch something where the girl gets married and her dad has to give her away...I remember going to my room and crying myself to sleep because I would never do that to my dad. I swore that if it hurt his feelings for me to get married then it was something that I would never do. When I was little I can remember him chasing me being Pepe Le Peu and tickling me to get me ready for sleep. Over the years we have spent so much time together and neither one of us had to chat incessently through it all...just watch tv and love each other. So many movies I would never want to watch with anyone else...Prancer, It's a Wonderful Life, Father of the Bride. He watched so many lame girl shows with me...from gilmore girls to dawsons creek and we'd talk about life and love through it all. Endless hours of watching softball and baseball. Endless stories have been heard by this man...I don't even mind if he tunes me out at all and I'm not sure why because with anyone else that would drive me nuts. And I love my mom and my sister desperately but for some reason when I need a good cry he's the one I want there. I remember when it was time for me to graduate from high school and I came home from a game and I just looked at him and started crying...when my heart was hurting this past summer I called my dad and sobbed. He loves the Lord and my mom and my sister and me. He is no where near perfect, but don't bother telling my heart that...it doesn't care. In my eyes he will always be the best man in the world and I will always cry at a father/daughter story and he will always be the first man I ever loved.

EEEK.

This week/weekend has been absolutely gorgeous!!!! Kinda makes me wanna never leave my room, but listen to music and day dream all day long. It's so happy. And I get to go through one of those happy phases where I don't need people around me at all times...and I love when my heart lets me do that. One another note, I have no clue of what I should do next year. Sigh, what on earth should I do with the next phase of my life. Who knows but I'm kind of excited...I know the Lord wants me to step away from the BCM and all that I have known that comes with that. The BCM has been my comfort and shelter during the biggest spiritual growth in my entire life and it's time for me to grow some more...and I think I've grown all I can here. God has more than shown me that He will provide family for me whereever it is that I end up. I feel like I am always hearing someone talk about how the body of Christ has let them down...its easy to put them on a pedastool and feel disappointed when they don't quite measure up...but its the arms of Christ that reached out to me through what are now precious friends. I trust the body of Christ...I choose to believe that there are people all over the world eager to meet new people and love them as He loved and continues to love us. Sigh...I am excited...and confused...not to mention a little nervous. But nonetheless I am in love with February 9, 2009 because it is B E A UTIFUL!!!!!

Tag, I'm it...

So i have always hated the game tag, mostly because I am not a fast kid...never have been even when I ran every blessed day of my life...however I am competitive so its a game I am doomed to e no good at in the least bit. This is apparently true in the world of blogging as well. Nat and Pate both stinking tagged me to do this random things list so here i go...but for the record just know that it is hard to think of random things about myself because its not random to me..for me everything I do is completely and utterly natural.

ok..how long is this list supposed to be? no clue, there fore 7 things will be on my list.

1) When I was little I wanted to move to New York City. No idea why but I always knew I was going to be famous and that is where famous people live

2) The list of things I wanted to be when I grew up.... a singer, an actress, first girl in the NBA, first girl to play in the world series, a farmer and a youth pastor.

3) I am one of those people that sing when they don't realize it. When ever my mind goes blank for some reason songs come out. I dont understand it but people that live with me typically get used to it. I mean i hope so, for their sake.

4) I hate change but you already know that.

5) Ironically enough, I have always known that I was going to change the world someday so when I was little I would make sure to touch everything in stores just so I knew that they were impacted by my existence if even in the smallest of ways.

6) I get embarrassed by things that other people dont find embarrassing and I say things that embarrass other people. I am still a 10 year old that will not think twice about hitting you in the head if you mention the boys name that I like or even have pondered liking in a public place.

7) Lastly, I hate letting the world know what my heart is thinking or feeling. It's as if some people can only know me as a super cool, super tough, athletic, funny girl while few others get to know me as the pretty pink princess that dreams of dancing with the prince among the stars and cries when her you hurt her heart.

That's all folks. Im gonna tag Rhino cause hes the bloggin king right now so this can give him something to yammer on about.