Change: to become altered or modified

"Life is a process of becoming, a combination of states we have to go through. Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it. This is a kind of death." Anais Nin


I looked through the thesaurus to find a beautiful synonym for the word to change to use in my heading. Not to my surprise, there aren't any. That's when I knew, I could change the word, the sound and the look but underneath it was the same meaning. Change is change...and there is no way of getting around it. That's why I simply settled for the definition. I love words and usually understanding what they really mean makes everything so much better for me. However, nothing makes this one better. I spit on the word change. I make a throw up noise in my head every time I hear it. And I know Im whining and being annoying but thats the best part about blogs...y'all don't have to listen you can simply stop reading. : )

We are packing up the gables 3_3. Nobody ever asked me if this is what I wanted. Haha, I am being so annoying but I literally am terrified when things change and I fight it tooth and nail the entire way. It's typically a knock down drag out fight. Me and change have gone many, many rounds. It always wins. Gah, one thing I hate worse than changing is losing.

And I know that I have it pretty dang good. Many people would look at me and say what is changing?! I am aware that this is a pretty small change. But I hate it none the less. I am just scared is all that it boils down to. But, for now...I am done being super annoying. I am going to pay tribute to my apartment and all 4 roommates that have existed there. Even though I didn't always necessarily think so...that apartment was good to us.

Rachel Smith is a interesting human. Some of my favorite Rachel Smith memories that make me laugh the most happened when she didn't even know she was being funny....as well all know we spent a great deal of our time fighting :) So anywho, one day Rachel was mad at me(surprise?) it was a dish issue(surprise again?) so Rachel decided that she would get me back by hand washing the dishes and not putting them in the dishwasher. And there were a lot of dishes. So after washing them she realizes she needed a place to dry them so she lined towels in front of my door and laid all of the dishes on the towels! Ha, that was amazing to come home to a zillion dishes in the hallway. Rachel used to always dance in the kitchen to Fergalicious and she had those moments when she would pretend she was "working on her fitness" there was also the day that before I had even gotten out of the shower she had decided that she was mad at me, so i walked out the bathroom door and she chewed me out. Everything was so dramatic and stressful then but it all seems so funny now. But all in all, Rachel was a good girl and she loved and served Jesus with all of her heart...she was also always there if you needed to lie in her bed and cry.

Angel Riley is somewhat of a weenie. Now, that we have that out there I think my next story will make more sense. Angel will pass out at the drop of a hat. One morning she woke up and didn't feel good so she was on her way to get a glass of orange juice so it would help her. Well...on the way she passes out and crashes into the TV knocking it off the stand and knocking a pot down in the process and I'm pretty sure she knocked several more things over. The next morning we woke up and were surprised by what had gone on throughout the night.
Angel was the teacher/mom of the apartment always light years more grown up in her heart than the rest of us. She was the nurturer and the one with actual boy experience to dish out. She was a good kid, and I'm glad God gave her to me for a couple of years.

Laura Hawkins is ... lets see.... well, there aren't many words that describe laura to be honest. We spent most of our time wondering where the heck she was. I think the thing that I appreciated most is that Laura is so "girly". I LOVE this about Laura! She would be the first one to offer to punch a boy in the face or key a guys car for you. Laura Hawkins should have been a spice girl so she could talk about girl power a lot. In the same sense, you could always count on her to watch a sappy movie with you or dream about love...or talk about a boy. And no matter how illogical you were being Laura would never judge you or make you feel dumb...she is always there to simply sit and dream with you! She is the most supportive friend a girl could ask for, I am so thankful that she lived no more than a few feet from me for a year!

Natzart Riley is... gah, she is just one of my favorite people! And I love talking about how much I love her because it's not that she is exactly like me and we think the same ways about things, its not that we just clicked right off the bat, its not even that we completely understand each other all the time. It's the fact that there were times when we didn't get it at all and we had no idea why the other one of us acted the way they did. Its the fact that I came to college to grow in the Lord and God stuck me with a girl who didn't give any slack and told you when you were doing something that she disagreed with. It's the fact that she has listened patiently to my over dramatic stories and watched me talk about who I was going to fight and seen me sob over something stupid...for three whole years. We've dreamed and cried and had our hearts broken...we've both been vulnerable with each other when that's not something that easy for either one of us to do. We didn't meet until we were 18 years old, but in a way we grew up together. Don't get me wrong, she's hilarious and there are many stories to be shared...but I've already written too much so I'll just say that Nat was the only one to be involved in a drive by shooting while living at the Gables.

So now my dramatic-12-year-old-girl heart bids farewell to the place that had fireworks thrown at the door, and massive people who fell a lot living upstairs as well as baseball players with endless parties, to the place that people would follow you to the door but never quite attack you, to the place that held at times the most versatile group of males the world has ever seen, but more than anything I'm saying good-bye to a place that has kept me cold(i hate being warm ya know) and demanded that i live in genuine community with other girls. And in that genuine community I have grown more than I can even tell at this point. I've also gotten to watch other people grown. I'm overwhelmingly sentimental. Goodbye, apartment 3_3...you will be sorely missed.

Summer lessons.

A list of ranting & confusion brought on from this summer:


1. Let's get something straight here. I am not fake. I'm not, I refuse to believe it. If it's important for someone to know me then they should just stick around and get to know me and stop making me feel bad and calling me fake. grrr... ha

2. I love summer, and if I were to guess from May how this one would've played out thus far...I would have never in a million years seen what has happened.

3. It's a little odd to be staring ahead at a year where your living and working on a college campus but not allowed to date a college student. The future looks a little bleak in the heart area...

4. I am not sure at all of how my relationships with my friends are supposed to look once I become a staff member. I assume that I'll mess up a lot, here we are.

5. I am going to live in the BCM. Natzart will no longer be my roommate. For the first time since 2005, I will not live with nat. ooohh...sadness.

6. God is smarter than me, bigger than me, stronger than me. I am doomed to mess up time and time again. But He will reign forever in perfect sovreignty...this is something I have held onto tightly this summer.

7. I will be a staff member at the B. I wish everyone knew me as a freshman so they could all mock me in harmony. ooohh...the irony of life.

8. For some reason...lately I have began to cling so tightly to certain people in my heart...like when a baby is afraid that their mom or dad will leave them. What is the deal with that... its dumb to need them. down right dumb.

Then sings my soul...

I think that I live most every day of my life thinking about myself, never letting it penetrate my heart that Jesus died on a cross. And when you say it like that the significance of a great sacrifice gets lost in the repetition of that sentence that we have heard all of our lives. However, sometimes I stop and I remind my self that we're not talking about some far away guy who I've seen on countless movies and tv reenactments around Christmas and Easter. The times that I become truly heartbroken are the times that I make myself stop and realize who Jesus really is behind all of the stereotypes and clichés. That the same perfect friend that takes care of me when I'm crying in my bed and I feel like no one else is there, who can grant me peace when everyone else only seems to say harsh words that pierce my heart, who fills my heart with such intense joy that I feel like I cannot possibly be expected to contain it ...the same person/deity/friend that does all of that for me and lives nestled so closely to my heart, he was killed. And not only was he killed but people hit my friend who I care about so deeply...they spit on him and yelled at him. It would almost be better if they would have just killed him. But to know that they broke his heart and hurt his feelings hurts me so deeply. And I keep using they...because the truth is that when I really stop and think about it and begin to realize that I am one of them, that pain is almost unbearable.To think that I just walk on by him when he wants to hang out, that I reject him...that I fail to mention Him in so many of my conversations. I would never treat even an acquaintance like this. Even when I am messing up and being mean to someone or hurting someones feelings or saying things that I shouldn't say...at the very least I am acknowledging these people. And the times that I can see all of this so clearly...when it's all I can do to just lay on my bed and cry out to him. And all I have to say is I'm so sorry Dad over and over again. It's in these times that I can feel Him the closest. It's then that I know He's right there with me. And I deserve much worse...I know He should be mad at me, I should be in so much trouble...if he were human we wouldn't even be on speaking terms. But instead the creator and king of everything is happy to be with me. He genuinely enjoys taking care of me. He gladly accepts me back into His arms every single time. The weight of not deserving it is so overwhelming, but I don't care because spending time with Him is what I long for. And because i spend a lot of my time trying to fill my desires with other random things, when i finally get it and approach the throne of perfection...I don't even care to sit around and tell him how much I don't deserve His love. He is more aware of my flaws than I may ever me. So I simply sit at his feet and try to soak up his beauty, and the peace that comes from being so close to him on the mountain top, the infinite joy that comes from being completely loved which I often times try to find in people. These are my morsels of heaven...sitting at God's feet. I think it's incredible that before I have these moments with Him, He always shows me the gospel first. I am always on my knees crying out to him for forgiveness and grace when He lets me feel His incredible presence, even if just for a moment. I hate when things sound churchy or fake. Let me reiterate that, I despise, loathe, detest when things sound churchy or fake. This is the real gospel...presented through a shallow mind and crappy typing skills...it kills me that some people may never get it like I'm getting it in this moment. I hope that if your reading this it was comprehensible, I pray that by taking a couple of seconds to read my random blog you got a reminder of the gospel and that your day could be impacted by it. I pray that we would live everyday as people who have been dramatically impacted by something huge in our lives...there should be such an evident difference...wow. I'm rambling...apologies...I've just been awed by greatness and I wanted to try to share the best way I could.

Favor.

excessive kindness or unfair partiality; preferential treatment

God shows me favor. My Dad shows me favor. My Mom shows me favor. My sister shows me favor. My niece shows me favor. My grand-parents show me favor. My friends show me favor. I am reminded day in and day out of how absolutely beautiful my circumstances are and how I have nothing but wonderful things in my life. Mass quantities of people care for me deeply. I don't know very many people who can say that. I am sure I just sound overly confident in this moment but really it's a reminder that I'm not alone. That even as I live in this odd transitional period in life that at the end of the day I still won't be alone. That no matter how many friends get married or move away or just move on with their lives period that at the end of the day I'm still not alone. I am such a people person by the very nature of my being. I desire to love and be loved so intensely. I believe that God will always answer my prayer for people. I believe that if I ever get to the point in my life that I feel like there is nobody around who needs to receive and give love, then I am an idiot. Most importantly, I believe that if God's love is flowing through me, ready to be handed out whenever necessary then I will never want for anything except for more and more of the love of Christ.

To love and be loved. I am so excited about the life that is laid out before me. Those are my two goals, that is my incessant need. That is what keeps me awake at night and keeps my head spinning throughout the day. The urgent desire of my heart to love and be loved. Praise the Lord that these are high in the ranks of his desires as well!