Then sings my soul...

I think that I live most every day of my life thinking about myself, never letting it penetrate my heart that Jesus died on a cross. And when you say it like that the significance of a great sacrifice gets lost in the repetition of that sentence that we have heard all of our lives. However, sometimes I stop and I remind my self that we're not talking about some far away guy who I've seen on countless movies and tv reenactments around Christmas and Easter. The times that I become truly heartbroken are the times that I make myself stop and realize who Jesus really is behind all of the stereotypes and clichés. That the same perfect friend that takes care of me when I'm crying in my bed and I feel like no one else is there, who can grant me peace when everyone else only seems to say harsh words that pierce my heart, who fills my heart with such intense joy that I feel like I cannot possibly be expected to contain it ...the same person/deity/friend that does all of that for me and lives nestled so closely to my heart, he was killed. And not only was he killed but people hit my friend who I care about so deeply...they spit on him and yelled at him. It would almost be better if they would have just killed him. But to know that they broke his heart and hurt his feelings hurts me so deeply. And I keep using they...because the truth is that when I really stop and think about it and begin to realize that I am one of them, that pain is almost unbearable.To think that I just walk on by him when he wants to hang out, that I reject him...that I fail to mention Him in so many of my conversations. I would never treat even an acquaintance like this. Even when I am messing up and being mean to someone or hurting someones feelings or saying things that I shouldn't say...at the very least I am acknowledging these people. And the times that I can see all of this so clearly...when it's all I can do to just lay on my bed and cry out to him. And all I have to say is I'm so sorry Dad over and over again. It's in these times that I can feel Him the closest. It's then that I know He's right there with me. And I deserve much worse...I know He should be mad at me, I should be in so much trouble...if he were human we wouldn't even be on speaking terms. But instead the creator and king of everything is happy to be with me. He genuinely enjoys taking care of me. He gladly accepts me back into His arms every single time. The weight of not deserving it is so overwhelming, but I don't care because spending time with Him is what I long for. And because i spend a lot of my time trying to fill my desires with other random things, when i finally get it and approach the throne of perfection...I don't even care to sit around and tell him how much I don't deserve His love. He is more aware of my flaws than I may ever me. So I simply sit at his feet and try to soak up his beauty, and the peace that comes from being so close to him on the mountain top, the infinite joy that comes from being completely loved which I often times try to find in people. These are my morsels of heaven...sitting at God's feet. I think it's incredible that before I have these moments with Him, He always shows me the gospel first. I am always on my knees crying out to him for forgiveness and grace when He lets me feel His incredible presence, even if just for a moment. I hate when things sound churchy or fake. Let me reiterate that, I despise, loathe, detest when things sound churchy or fake. This is the real gospel...presented through a shallow mind and crappy typing skills...it kills me that some people may never get it like I'm getting it in this moment. I hope that if your reading this it was comprehensible, I pray that by taking a couple of seconds to read my random blog you got a reminder of the gospel and that your day could be impacted by it. I pray that we would live everyday as people who have been dramatically impacted by something huge in our lives...there should be such an evident difference...wow. I'm rambling...apologies...I've just been awed by greatness and I wanted to try to share the best way I could.